it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
