the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
