I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
