According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The best revenge is premature balding
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
