the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
