Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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