I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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