I'm so fucking centered right now
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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