I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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