I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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