Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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