i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
