so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
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