all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
