Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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