Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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