Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
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He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
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She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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