last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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