So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
