The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
