Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
