He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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