I met the friendliest cop last night
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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