I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize