What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
