So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
