I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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