You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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