Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
