Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
