i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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