I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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