Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
