what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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