Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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