There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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