his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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