I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
