but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
