a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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