It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
