I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
