my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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