I accidentally had phone sex last night
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
