Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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