Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
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I fill condoms, not promises.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.