i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels