when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night