I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I am one with the molecules
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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