Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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