I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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