Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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