I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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