found the other keg... it's in the tree
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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