why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
