the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
not ubering you a puppy
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
