11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
