made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
