Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
