Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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