I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
