You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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